Unhappiness

I don't know why do I still feel so much unhappiness right now. Had been being cold to him since i slept. He really been ridiculous last night which makes me fedup & ignored. But, how could you ignore someone you love when he can able to do it to you at times, but it seems a tough thing for me? Was still angry. But i played my itune, then this song played. "That's why you go away", "Ai hen jian dan". This both song, first song is, the song that we listened together when spending our first night at eastcoastpark talking, looking at stars, h2h talks, walking around. All this seems to be a part of memory that will never happen again in my whole life. 

Seems so romantic, but do know that, all those honeymoon period, only happen twice in your life. One, is when you just together with that guy, second, you married and went for honeymoon. It only happen to the same guy that gives you those butterfly feeling in your stomach. Second song, I made a video for him during 1st year anniversary, a song that whenever we quarreled, or even angried, we will see. But, things changed. Nothing will remain the same forever. I had been telling myself. In every relationship, there will be a period of time that all those toughness came into your life, and after all this shit that we went through together, we'll be much more happier. But those happy times never seems to come back to me.. 

I hate all this shit. Sometimes, i really do feel like giving up on everything. But realizing, what caused so much difference in the decision that i made before. Is him, but why am i feel like giving up when i choose to be with him? Seems so ridiculous. But, everyone changed. Including him, including me. In a relationship, you're happy, you don't praise him/her for giving you so much happiness. But when you're sad, you blamed him/her for those shit given to you? A relationship, belong to two, not one. I don't know. You know me now, doesn't mean you know how i used to be. I wanna be happy.. REALLY. In people's eye, i might be a caring, understanding girlfriend. Who wanna buy a LV wallet for him, who wanna think of him before making any decision. But, the fact that i never did enough. 

I gets angry when he gamble too much, when my mood wasn't that good, i hope he doesn't come and irritates me but he still do it anyway, when things goes wrong, i was being blamed for all sort of reason given. Yea, KARMA slap me right in the face. Sometimes, really feel like walking away from all this shitty treatment. But, i can't deny the fact that he dote me, he put me in his first priority list than anyone. When I told him I gastric, he act like he don't care, but in fact that he tried to ban me for all food that i can't eat or drink & despite my stubborness, he angried and let me eat my tomyam. 

Blah, shall stop here. I don't want... cry anymore for thinking too much of this. 

I really love too much, too much. But I really hate all this treatment i gotten. 

Sometimes, i really wonder, is it KARMA slapped right into my face or is just

coincidence that he hurt me too much. People said, first will never last. I do 

believe. But I wanna to stay strong and fight for the place i belonged in his 

heart. The first and the last...